Silver Lining

I am insecure! I have been for a long time. I am not sure when this feeling of awkwardness/uncomfortable dread started. Maybe it was in school where everyone beleived slender equalled beauty or when having acne was considered disgusting.Maybe it was when i watched that movie with an actress so beautiful the only hting i kept thinking through out the movie was “I wish i was that pretty” I didnt even focus on the movie plot.

I hate been insecure,its one of the worst feelings in the world,There are days I do not look at myself in the mirror,i hate seeing pimples,I feel uncomfortable around people who talk about their weight.Am always thinking are they hinting at me.

I am most insecure about my tummy,Yes i have one.I can thank my family for that!.We come from a long line of tummy tummies(I just made that phrase up). I am also insecure about my forehead,its quite big 😦 ,

I actually have much much more things am insecure about but the list would be too long to type out.

My sister has a figure rivaling a model,she has what i would call dream bod (at least for me).You know that figure where you don’t here the clothes the clothes where you. but the poor fool is so unaware about it,she doesn’t really care or understand how I dream about dresses fitting like gloves on me like it does with her,or how i envy her when she just casually strolls in with a tucked in t shirt and denims,or how basically every single piece of item looks so amazing on her.

Recently I have been gifted with a wide array of pimples across my face,this happens often to me under stress so when people see me there first question is like”you have got pimples? you never have right? yes thank you for enlightening me.

I do a small jog or a walk most evenings, i try these cleanses, and i have gone on not very strict diets for some time but it never really works out so I stop working on myself,i guess i have no consistency

I need to reduce some weight,i know that,not just to be slender but so i can be healthy, I need to do that,i want to look at myself in the mirror one day in the future and just smile and feel so confident about myself even if its for a few minutes.

I need to gain my silver lining!

Dinner Table Conversations!

I was talking to my mother and sister during dinner the other day about our respective days and we were discussing a recent wedding that was the talk of the town. And for somewhat reason during that topic it struck me that I am an year older than my mum was when she got married.

My mother was 22 and my father was 24 when they married. I guess a few years ago most people married young and i honestly don’t think that i would have been ready to make such an commitment.I mean don’t get me wrong there is absolutely nothing wrong with been married young,My parents for one are still in their forties which makes them “young parents” to have girls of 23 and 18. and i also feel it helps them connect more to us and maybe even understand our generation a little more.

They are also not restrictive,they are quite cool about everything.The most important fact it that they trust us and my sister and i can talk about anything and everything with them.

So anyway coming back to the topic as i had my moment of realization during our dinnertime conversation something else struck me. Is there really someone out there for each and everyone of us? I mean 57% of myself believes that (it used to be 100%) but after so long i struggle to hold on to that belief. I mean if there is where is he? do i already know him? have i met him? have i caught a glimpse of him? what is he doing at this exact moment?.

DO WE?

Do we really know what the future holds? Do we know what tomorrow holds? what the next few seconds hold?Isn’t it amazing how god works,how he has created this universe so masterfully,we are all going on our separate journeys but someday we might cross paths,

How incredible is that?

I always wonder what my future holds,but am also very sure that if i could get a glimpse of it i would opt not to as i would want to be surprised.

Insecure

I always hold back,afraid of hurting others.I never say what i really have to,i don’t want to seem mean.But no one else does that.People are so vicious and undercutting and pure evil when they want to be.

I am anxious and nervous,i always second guess myself,my confidence is nil. Wether its my weight or how i look i always seem to have a problem with myself.I dont want to.But i do.

I sometimes blame social media as its a mirror for destruction.the media portrays people who are so immaculate can we ever get close to them.but i cant blame the media.I have been gifted a brain i have to use it wisely right? i have to understand to be happy with myself.But some days are really hard.I am way too critical about myself i have noticed i have become too critical of others although i would never state this openly,but i do criticize or judge others in my mind.I suddenly realize how hypocritical i can be. I started writing this context condemning how vicious others are but i guess i can be like that too.

What is wrong with us humans? I am sure its all our insecurities dancing out that makes us like this. Isnt it? i hope so.I refuse NOT to believe that deep down we all have some inherent good.

Work Work Work!

Today’s a dismal day with grey skies and constant rain,I usually like the rainy weather, when am at home tucked in with a blanket reading a good book or watching a good movie.I don’t like today!.

My best friend at work is resigning today and it almost seems as if the weather is complementing the situation by showing up with stormy clouds and a continuous Pitter patter.But who am i kidding as if sunshine was going to make today any worse.

Am so happy for her she is leaving for her higher studies,she is leaving to grow and find her better tomorrow. and here i am selfishly typing away about how sad i am.But you can’t help it you know.She is my one and only confidante at work,who will listen to my constant worries and problems?who will advice me with work?,who will i laugh with about recalling our inside jokes?,who will i have my tea break with?.

Have any of you had this one work friend who you know just gets you and understands about each and everyone around you,and you bond over how very disgusting and vicious people can be? basically someone who makes your hours spent at work more bearable.

Well if you do have that “Someone” still with you,make sure you make the days count!.

FEAR

Are we all afraid of something? I believe so

I have understood that there are levels to fear.

Level 1 As a baby and a young adolescent you might have been scared of a loud noise, or a weird sound or you may have even been scared if you didn’t see your mum and dad for some time, you may have been scared of your siblings or scared of your teacher or principal at school.

Level 2 Then you reach your youth and you then may begin to be afraid of the dark, of ghosts, of snakes,of insects and much much more.

Level 3 A little later on in life,as you get even more older you may be afraid of never finding love,of loosing your family,failure,letting people down and much much more.

In short fear lives in all of us and is incredibly difficult to let go of. Although we have to understand that we should never give into it.We have to be stronger!

WE ARE STRONGER

Loss (2)

Do you have people who are physically still around you but are lost forever.

One of my oldest friends in the whole wide world is a stranger to me today.I have know her my whole life she was my best friend for so long but now we are reduced to awkward hellos and how are you’s.She was someone i could tell anything to you know those friends that become family.

We left school and i guess life got in the way.but the sad part is i never thought we had a problem until she called me one day and told me that i wasn’t a good friend and that we didn’t meet up as often and she needed someone who would be there for her and “take her out” she also told me many other details that caused her to rethink our friendship,which in my eyes seemed very bad misinterpretations or misunderstandings.But i stayed quite i let her speak out her frustrations i knew that there was so much of anger and sadness there.

We decided we were two grown women we should handle this issue maturely and we ended the phone call with a “you will always have me to confide in” and thank you for been my friend for so long.A few minutes went past and she called me back again and said she didn’t mean to say everything she said,she was sorry for hurting me with what she said and i too said to forget it and we both ended the call. Little did she know that those few minutes earlier in which she was condemning me on been a bad friend really broke something inside me,i felt so hurt and disgusted that someone i treated like my own sister could be so harsh.

Do you know that saying that “words can kill” seemed so relevant that day.

I am not saying that she is to blame for everything,i am a 100% aware that i got too busy, work and studies really got in the way,and i could not hangout or meet many of my friends like i used to this is not an excuse,although i doubt that this should cause a friendship of many years to crumble.

“best friend” something she kept saying over and over again never really mattered to me.She was family and i thought she knew that no matter how far off i seemed if she needed me i would always be there for her.

I don’t know where we stand today,i don’t know where we will stand in the future but i do know that loosing a friend someone who knows you so well leaves a deep scar that will need years and years of healing.

Loss (1)

I have been thinking a lot about the people i have lost.

I think about my grandaunt a lot, we lost her a few years ago and its still hard to fathom that i cant see her sitting on the sofa reading the newspaper or fixing a puzzle,its hard for me to accept that i could never go talk to her or ask her for advice.I regret not spending enough time with her.I could have i should have but here’s the thing you never accept that someone you love will be snatched away from you.My grandaunt was sick but never did i ever make room in my very narrow minded brain to understand that she would be taken from us. I was in denial.

Everyday i hope that wherever she is that she knows i love her and that am sorry for not spending enough time with her.Every book i have read every little poem and fable i know,My environment book i used in school filled with the most beautiful drawings,all my other school books covered all those years. All that and much much more,That’s all her! Thank you for that!

I love you!

A day in LIFE

Sunday evenings are the worst, the tick tock of the clock,each chime reminding you that the dreaded week is about to start. Were Sundays always that bad? did we really keep a track of the days we hate and the days we couldn’t wait for(Friday). As a child i never did.I was too busy running around the garden or going for long walks.

To be fair as a kid my family lived upcountry,so rolling hills with snowy mountain tops, green tea bushes,small waterways and a sleepy town filled up my evenings. But even when my family moved back to the urban city i still did not have a favorite day of the week.I loved everyday as cliche or soppy as it sounds but i think children just really enjoy their days to the fullest.

And to think i wanted to GROW UP !

Today my day consists of me getting up for work,spending 7.5 hours at work,spending another few hours in traffic whilst coming back home, having dinner,trying to sneak a quick workout,eating dinner,washing and then trying to read a book or do something productive but instead falling into a dead sleep and REPEAT!.

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